Surviving the Holidays as a Former Foster Youth
“What are you doing for the holidays?”
A simple question asked in love, that is sometimes loaded with so much pain and embarrassment, and yet it is asked over and over again each holiday season. For most of our hallmark-crazed culture, this question usually returns a response like, “Going to see family, or the in-laws, or on a family vacation,” but for someone in which the holidays rarely look the same or feels normal or safe, this question can become a volcano of emotion and fear.
Foster care is a thief in too many areas of our lives and the holidays can be a huge reminder of what should have been and what isn’t. The absence of normal and belonging during special times can leave a giant hole inside that seems impossible to fill.
So where is the hope, the purpose, or even the possibility of surviving painful reminders that we have aged out of a system that doesn’t always think of the impacts on our soul? How do we encourage each other and make this seemingly lonely world more bearable this time of the year?
I can’t answer that for you and I wish to my core that each one of you reading this has a safe and loving place to spend the holidays. And even if you do, that you will find peace in all of the emotions, triggers, longings, and pain that it can bring up. I don’t have magic words to make it better, but I would love to share with you what I wish someone would have told me in surviving the holidays as an aged out foster youth:
1. This pain and ache is cruel and awful, but it is a 0% reflection of your worth. It would take years for me to realize that we just live in a fallen world that doesn’t always remember us aged out foster youth well. It doesn’t mean I or you are not worthy of being remembered – just that we have more work to do to bring awareness and change to this broken system.
2. It is going to be okay (even if it doesn’t feel like it) if your journey and experience looks different than others around you. Do not let the pain swallow you and steal the joy that can be found in this season. You can picture me standing in front of you, holding your face, and telling you, “It’s going to be okay. Your feelings and pain matter, but they are not the boss. Do not miss the glimmers of joy around you. It will keep you going. It’s okay to cry and feel the hurt, but you are worthy of kindness and peace, even if you have to choose to look really hard. It’s not fair but I am so proud of you.”
3. Most likely there are many people who would love to invite you to holiday celebrations. Find a leader in the community or a church and simply let them know the need. There have been many holidays that I have had to swallow my pride and let others know my need for connection and a safe space to spend time in. I get that it can feel so much like another foster family in which we won’t belong after, but some of those holidays hold the most cherished memories of being reminded that I was seen and loved and can create my own family one day.
4. This will not last forever, and one day, if you let it, your life will reflect all the hard work you have done to make it through. Don’t let the fear of what life looks like now overwhelm you this holiday season. It’s tough for a lot of people to hold the tension of what isn't yet in our lives, especially when it's family and belonging that is missing. Time can feel like eternity, but I pray one day you will look back and see how far you have come, even with the ups and downs. You are worthy of a beautiful and connected life!
My prayer for you this holiday season is that you will allow what your situation is to just simply be – without piling on judgment or predictions of what your future may look like. And to not let circumstances outside of your control dictate what you feel and think about yourself.
Not many understand your story and journey, but you have a safe place at Dream Makers (I know, because I found safety in their team and community of supporters). I pray that you find yourself lost in laughter and have many moments of peace and wonder. I pray that you will look back on this season and see through the pain and disappointment and be able to answer others honestly, “I don’t know what I am doing this year. I am open to suggestions, but regardless, I know that my future is not determined by one holiday season.”
Shared by
Kristen Thomas
Instagram: @kbuergey
Sign up below for our former foster youth newsletter: