Christmas Reflections from a Former Foster Youth
Holidays bring up memories that are different for all of us. Personally, most of my holiday memories have been ones I wish I could forget. Growing up in a home that was filled with abuse and pain left me very isolated, neglected, and lonely. I envied my classmates who would share stories about baking Christmas treats with their parents, watching holiday movies with their siblings, and sharing family memories during winter break. I longed for what they experienced. Year after year, I wished to feel the holiday joy and cheer that seemed to be the reality of so many around me, but not ever mine.
While I was a teenager in foster care, holidays were just another reminder to me of how much I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I was a wandering piece of a puzzle with no place to land. My foster family had traditions in place that had been established for years already, and there I was, a newcomer who was more of a spectator than a participator. Nothing seemed to successfully silence the rage of grief inside me that was all-consuming. I tried to put on a happy face and did my best to choose gratitude, but I was barely present as dissociation became my weapon. Thankfully, my story doesn’t end there.
As survivors of the foster care system, we now get to choose what our holidays will look like. We get to choose what we do to celebrate, who we surround ourselves with, and how these days will play out. Holidays no longer have to carry pain and disappointment because I can choose to make them the meaningful and special days I longed for them to be.
As an adult who has been in a process of letting God heal my past and redeem what has been lost, I am now able to take the desires I had surrounding the holidays and play my part in making them come true. I choose to spend these days with loving, safe, and comfortable people. I look forward to creating new moments to cherish. As time goes on and healing takes place, the sting of the past feels further and further away, and I’m filled with gratitude for every breath in my lungs.
This Christmas, my prayer is that all who are longing for belonging and family would find their way home — in the company of friends, around the table with loved ones, and above all, in the embrace of the Father. You are loved just as you are.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Shared by
Annika Marek-Barta
Instagram: @annikamarekbarta
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